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 Fuma no Kirikaze

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Riku
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BerichtOnderwerp: Fuma no Kirikaze   wo feb 18, 2009 6:18 pm

Ik ben lui, dat mogen jullie gerust weten, dus meld ik jullie bij deze dat ik de inhoud van deze post van een ander forum heb gekopiërd, waar ik het verhaal ook heb geplaatst.

Dit is een fanfictie die ik heb geschreven (aan het schrijven ben) naar aanleiding van de Drama "Fuma no Kojiro" (Kojiro van de Fuma clan)
Voorlopig heeft deze fanfic de titel "Fuma no Kirikaze" (Kirikaze van de Fuma Clan), maar ik ben van plan nog een iets leukere titel te gaan verzinnen.

Het origineel schreef ik (ben ik aan het schrijven) in een schrift. Dit is een Nederlandse versie waarin het hele verhaal vanuit de 3e persoon vertelt wordt. Daarnaast heb ik een computer versie, die voorlopig alleen in het Engels is... hierin wordt alles vanuit de 1e persoon vertelt.

Uiteindelijk ben ik van plan om het hele verhaal in ieder geval compleet in mijn brakke engels te schrijven op de computer, waarschijnlijk alles vanuit de 1e persoon. Ik hoop ook nog een Nederlandse versie te maken.
Ik heb dit besloten aangezien de fans van de Tv-serie over het algemeen niet uit Nederland komen. (Ik ken er momenteel 1... 2 met mezelf erbij)

Mijn excuses voor de spel- en grammaticafouten dus!

Momenteel heb ik alleen het proloog (of hoofdstuk 1) uitgetypt, hoofdstuk 1-5 (2-6) bevinden zich in mijn schrift en ik hoop ze zo spoedig mogelijk uit te typen.
Ik hoor het wel ^^ ENJOY!

P.S. Je hoeft de drama niet gekeken te hebben om het verhaal te kunnen lezen. (gelukkig) In eerste instantie zal het allemaal wel erg vaag zijn, maar ik denk dat als het verhaal vorderd, je wel begint te begrijpen wat er aan de hand is. Mensen die de drama echter wel gezien hebben zullen waarschijnlijk sneller begrijpen naar welke gebeurtenissen ik verwijs, vooral in het proloog... mijn fanfic speelt zich trouwens enkele jaren af voor het verhaal in de Drama-serie plaatsvind


Proloque

The first rays of light already fell through the small openings of the door. Outside the leaves were still wet of night’s dew. In the large, silent forest, only the singing of birds was heard. In the midst of this silent, lay our village of the Fuma clan.
I was silent as well. It had been al long time I had really been silent. Still there were a lot of things I wanted to say, but my words had dried up. So because I couldn’t say it, I had to show it and I showed it with silence.
I was already a few days in Ryouma’s room right now. I had only left his side if urgent. My knees hurt this much, I wondered if the pain would ever disappear. But I wouldn’t complain, this pain was what I deserved.
It had been a few days ago I had made this terrible mistake. A mistake probably no one will ever forgive me. At least Ryouma won’t. Since that one day, he had been unconscious and up till now he didn’t show any signs of recovery.
Yesterday the doctors already told me, he’d probably never be able to use his left eye again. Or to say, because of me and my idiotism, Ryouma would be half-blind for the rest of his life.
Maybe this knowledge hurt me more, than the pain I felt in my knees.
Guilty, I looked at Ryouma. His face was really pale and the fact he still breathed was hardly seen. It almost looked like he was death.
For a second I felt his forehead. Two days ago, his skin almost burnt my hand, today it was icy cold, just like yesterday. I didn’t really know whether I should take this change as a good sign, as a sign of recovery or not.
For no reason, I wondered what would happen if Ryouma didn’t make it, if he would die right here. Ryouma was the oldest son and meant to lead our clan after his father retired. It would certainly be great trouble for our clan if Ryouma found his end here.
It would probably be a problem for me as well. Right now, I already didn’t expect any mercy of my fellow clan members. So if Ryouma died…
Actually, I’d rather not think about this kind of things. Still I couldn’t prevent for this kind of thought to pop up into my mind once in a while. I guess I should blame it on the silence, the everlasting silence in our village. Ryouma wasn’t the only one with his life on the edge.
The light outside had become brighter. As if nothing had ever happened, days followed on the nights and nights followed on the days. It seemed like some kind of dream… or for me, a nightmare.
The night’s mist would never be able to conceal the day forever. At a given moment everything would be exposed. I already figured this much. But it would be nice if I could stay hidden, for only just a little more. I wasn’t ready to face the truth yet.
I still hadn’t figured out why everything happened like it had. It was probably a question with no right answer. The only thing you could do was guess. I guessed I had taken de wrong road. Lost in the forest, I ignored all help and wandered off more and more. Out of the reach of my friends.
Unfortunately, there’s no way back anymore. I’ll have to walk this path I’ve chosen and bear the consequences of it. At least I know now, this path that is destined for me, the path of becoming a ninja, I can’t walk it on my own. If I want to succeed, I’ll have to listen to the people superior to me and learn form then. Only then I will be able to one day call myself proudly a ninja of the Fuma clan.
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BerichtOnderwerp: Re: Fuma no Kirikaze   do feb 19, 2009 3:23 pm

heel goed geschreven ik hoop dat je het vervolg snel uit typt
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BerichtOnderwerp: Re: Fuma no Kirikaze   do apr 09, 2009 2:21 pm

Goed, bij deze het 1e stuk dan van het 1e hoofdstuk. Ik geloof dat ik ergens van t.t. plots naar v.t. wissel (en andersom), maar ik weet nog niet helemaal hoe ik dat moet voorkomen... voorlopig denk ik niet dat het echt stoort

Chapter 1

Kirikaze
The sun shined hotly, the sky was sheer blue, except for a few clouds and our whole village was in an uproar. Like this, the first day of the spring season started for me.
I hid from this tumult. Since people still treated me like a little kid, I would only be in the way of the “adults” if I tried to help them. So right now, I lay down in the hay, in the shadow of one of the houses far from the commotion. It was this quiet, it seemed almost impossible to me our village wasn’t in peace.
To be honest, I actually didn’t know what it was all about. I heard some fragments, but the story was far from complete. I even think no one in my village knows the whole story, but it doesn’t matter. We, the Fuma clan, are at war with the Yasha clan, for a few centuries already.
There have been countless wars, but the past few years it has been pretty peaceful between our clans. The last time we fought, I was about 3 years old. I can’t really remember, that’s a good thing I guess.
At least, the peace lasted until two days ago. Our village guards spotted two suspicious figures. They send out a scout mission immediately. From the five men that left the village, only one returned, heavily damaged. He told a whole army of Yasha ninja was almost on the front of our doorstep. A few hours later he died because of his injuries.
While the sun was already setting, a messenger of the Yasha clan came to our village. He gave a letter to the leader of our clan and left again. I didn’t understand why they’d let him leave like that. If it had been up to me, he should have been killed. All Yasha were enemies right, and an enemy had to be killed, mercy wasn’t allowed in this kind of situations!
Yesterday a larger group was sent out to drive the Yasha back, but there army was stronger than expected. This morning, only one third of the men had returned and since then our whole village was in an uproar.
I awoke from my thought by a sudden noise in the house behind me. I heard voices! I turned over and crawled closer to the house. Through a crack in the wood I saw a few figures moving. At first I wasn’t sure who these people where, but then I heard the clear voice of our clan leader. The other men were probably the village elder, 4 of them. It seemed like they had some secret meeting.
My eyes widened when they fell on the sixth person in the room, Ryouma. He is a good friend of mine, but more than that, he’s the son of our clan leader. Ryouma is meant to take over from his father when he retires. It is probably because of that fact, Ryouma was allowed to be present in this secret meeting, but I still felt a little jealous. Ryouma wasn’t really older than me, but even though he was treated like an adult by everyone, I was still treated like a kid.
‘Check the grounds!’ ordered our leader and immediately I took distance from the crack. I felt like the words were directly at me. Deep in my heart, I really wanted to know what would be said in this secret meeting. But soon on of the Elder would appear in front of me if I didn’t get away right now. Getting caught here would just cause trouble. Alarmed by cracking branches I got away as fast as I could.
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BerichtOnderwerp: Re: Fuma no Kirikaze   do apr 09, 2009 2:52 pm

Het verhaal is erg leuk. Het leest vlot en ik vind het ook goed beschreven, maar er staan een paar foutjes in.

De verleden tijd van shine is niet 'shined' maar 'shone'.
Ergens staat er 'there army' wat 'their army' moet zijn.
En iets verder staat er 'I woke from my thought' of zoiets, 'thoughts' is altijd meervoud in de zin van 'ontwaken uit je gedachten'. Dat is een vaste uitdrukking. Ik denk niet dat 'I woke from my thought' echt helemaal fout is, maar het staat raar en iedere Engelsman zal je er raar voor aankijken ^^
En helemaal op het einde zeg je: '...would just cause trouble.' Ik zou er 'would only cause trouble' van maken. Net zoals 'thought' staat 'just' in deze constructie nogal raar.

Ow, en het verhaal is dus echt leuk (zoals ik al zei)... maar persoonlijk vind ik dat de wisseling tussen tt en vt wél storen. Het is altijd storend, tenzij je er echt echt een goede reden voor hebt, maar die heb je niet.
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BerichtOnderwerp: Re: Fuma no Kirikaze   do apr 09, 2009 7:17 pm

Ik heb een reden om te wisselen tussen tt en vt... simpelweg omdat mijn engels bagger is... ^^ Nee, ik denk dat een deel van de wisseling ook te maken heeft met het feit dat hij het nog steeds denkt/nog steeds zo is en niet alleen toen. Maar er zitten inderdaad een aantal punten tussen waar die reden niet opgaat.

Ik zal het zo eventjes aanpassen, voor zover ik denk dat het kan.

De rest trouwens ook wat je zegt... allemaal van die heerlijke typfoutjes die ik maak... [wat houdt ik toch van typfouten]
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BerichtOnderwerp: Re: Fuma no Kirikaze   do apr 09, 2009 7:19 pm

Sorry voor de dubbelpost, maar nu kom ik er zojuist achter dat ik mijn berichtjes helemaal niet mag editten!
Dus voorlopig de aangepaste versie eventjes hier, als een admin zo vriendelijk wil zijn om te zorgen dat ik mijn berichtjes kan bewerken, dan kan ik dit stukje chap in de vorige posts plaatsen.

Chapter 1
Kirikaze
The sun shone hotly, the sky was sheer blue, except for a few clouds and our whole village was in an uproar. Like this, the first day of the spring season started for me.
I hid from this tumult. Since people still treated me like a little kid, I would only be in the way of the “adults” if I tried to help them. So right now, I lay down in the hay, in the shadow of one of the houses far from the commotion. It was this quiet, it seemed almost impossible to me our village wasn’t in peace.
To be honest, I actually didn’t know what it was all about. I heard some fragments, but the story was far from complete. I even think no one in my village knows the whole story, but it doesn’t matter. We, the Fuma clan, are at war with the Yasha clan, for a few centuries already.
There have been countless wars, but the past few years it has been pretty peaceful between our clans. The last time we fought, I was about 3 years old. I can’t really remember, that’s a good thing I guess.
At least, the peace lasted until two days ago. Our village guards spotted two suspicious figures. They send out a scout mission immediately. From the five men that left the village, only one returned, heavily damaged. He told a whole army of Yasha ninja was almost on the front of our doorstep. A few hours later he died because of his injuries.
While the sun was already setting, a messenger of the Yasha clan came to our village. He gave a letter to the leader of our clan and left again. I didn’t understand why they’d let him leave like that. If it had been up to me, he should have been killed. All Yasha were enemies right, and an enemy had to be killed, mercy wasn’t allowed in this kind of situations!
Yesterday a larger group was sent out to drive the Yasha back, but their army was stronger than expected. This morning, only one third of the men had returned and since then our whole village was in an uproar.
I awoke from my thoughts by a sudden noise in the house behind me. I heard voices! I turned over and crawled closer to the house. Through a crack in the wood I saw a few figures moving. At first I wasn’t sure who these people where, but then I heard the clear voice of our clan leader. The other men were probably the village elder, 4 of them. It seemed like they had some secret meeting.
My eyes widened when they fell on the sixth person in the room, Ryouma. He is a good friend of mine, but more than that, he’s the son of our clan leader. Ryouma was meant to take over from his father when he retired. It was probably because of that fact, Ryouma was allowed to be present in this secret meeting, but I still felt a little jealous. Ryouma wasn’t really older than me, but even though he was treated like an adult by everyone, I was still treated like a kid.
‘Check the grounds!’ ordered our leader and immediately I took distance from the crack. I felt like the words were directed at me. Deep in my heart, I really wanted to know what would be said in this secret meeting. But soon one of the Elder would appear in front of me if I didn’t get away right now. Getting caught here would only cause trouble. Alarmed by cracking branches I got away as fast as I could.
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BerichtOnderwerp: Re: Fuma no Kirikaze   vr nov 13, 2009 4:45 pm

oke alss ik engels kon dan zou ik het zeker lezen
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BerichtOnderwerp: Re: Fuma no Kirikaze   vr nov 13, 2009 5:56 pm

Dan moet je Engels leren Sluip...
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BerichtOnderwerp: Re: Fuma no Kirikaze   vr nov 13, 2009 6:13 pm

dat doe ik ook op school.
maar ja het is maar 2 uur in dse week;
dus ik kan het niet lezen.
zucht.
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